It’s Thanksgiving week, so naturally, it’s time to turn our attention to the traditional dishes that will be featured on dining-room tables across the country.
No, this isn’t a food review. Instead, let’s take a fun look at how the Bears’ feature players stack up as side dishes you’re likely to see at dinner (and beyond) on Thursday, if they were NFL teams as proposed by Sunday Night Football.
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Cranberry sauce
An essential side-dish for any well-prepared Thanksgiving dinner, cranberry sauce is the engine that makes Turkey go. Think about it: without cranberry sauce, it would just be an average turkey. But when you add that helping of deep-red goodness, the turkey is taken to the next level.
Khalil Mack is the Bears’ cranberry sauce. Chicago’s defense was a good unit before he arrived, and they’d be a solid defense without him. But with Mack added to the menu of options for the Bears to throw at an opposing offense, the results are special. The defense became a unique and potentially elite squad because of Mack.
So when you spread that spoonful of cranberry sauce across your turkey on Thursday, remember: you just elevated your dinner to another level.
NFL
Stuffing
What would Thanksgiving be without a well-prepared stuffing? Something would be missing. The dinner wouldn’t feel complete. It would be vulnerable to criticism.
Akiem Hicks is the Bears’ stuffing. He isn’t the centerpiece of the defense, much like stuffing isn’t the centerpiece of Thanksgiving, but his absence from the lineup because of his elbow injury has downgraded Chicago’s defense from championship-worthy to just ‘OK.’
Stuffing masks the weaknesses of the rest of the dinner. Even if the turkey is overcooked or the vegetables are missing flavor, throw a heaping of stuffing on your plate and the dinner is fine.
The Bears relied on Hicks as their defensive centerpiece before Mack arrived, and they’ll need him to get back to 100 percent healthy in 2020 to get back to that special level.
Mashed potatoes
Mashed potatoes are Thanksgiving’s most consistent side dish. They’re smooth, full of flavor and are enjoyed by all ages and palates.
Allen Robinson is mashed potatoes. He brings his A-game every week and finds a way to produce even when the pieces around him aren’t playing up to his level. He’s a slippery smooth route-runner with reliable hands and playmaking ability. You know what you’re getting every time he lines up on the field.
It’s hard to screw up mashed potatoes, and it’s hard to find anything wrong with A-Rob’s game.
Casserole
There are so many options here because a casserole can essentially be anything. It’s a hodge-podge of ingredients, flavors and tastes.
Sounds like Tarik Cohen, right? On any given play, Cohen can line up as a wide receiver, running back or even as a wildcat quarterback. He’s the Bears’ most diverse offensive weapon. And much like a casserole, he can turn a bunch of slop into a tasty big play.
Cohen hasn’t had the kind of season that was projected for him in 2019, but not every casserole is cooked to perfection. More often than not, he delivers. So when you take a scoop of that mystery dish on Thursday, expect a field-flipping experience. You never know what you’re going to get.
Pumpkin Pie
The only candidate for pumpkin pie is Mitch Trubisky. The staple dessert for Thanksgiving, pumpkin pie isn’t a universally enjoyed after-dinner treat.
Fans of pumpkin pie will bang the table for its upside. They’ll claim it has all the traits to be pegged a dinner-changing sweet. But it has its weaknesses, from its color to its texture to its overall bland flavor.
With other options like apple pie and homemade chocolate chip cookies likely to be on the dessert spread, don’t be surprised if family members look elsewhere to make their Thanksgiving dinner complete.
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