Week 3 started with me wondering: Is anyone good besides the 49ers and Dallas Cowboys?
The Miami Dolphins and Kansas City Chiefs quickly answered that question by massacring the Denver Broncos and Bears in unrelenting fashion. The Dolphins dropped 70 on the Broncos, while the Bears quickly fell behind 31-0 in Kansas City.
By the way, the Broncos and Bears meet next week at Soldier Field and the Broncos, who lost by 50, open as road favorites. It just gets worse.
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Elsewhere, the Buffalo Bills found their groove against the Washington Commanders, Deshaun Watson still looks like cat food, and there’s no way Robert Saleh can keep trotting Zach Wilson out there every Sunday
Here’s where each team stands after Week 3:
- San Francisco 49ers (3-0): Imagine how good the 49ers would be if Brock Purdy’s last name didn’t rhyme with “Turdy.” The Niners are an unstoppable wagon right now.
- Miami Dolphins (3-0): The Dolphins are just out there playing Madden on Sundays.
- Kansas City Chiefs (2-1): With Taylor Swift in the crowd, the Chiefs worked the Bears like a speed bag. The gap has never been wider.
- Philadelphia Eagles (3-0): Jalen Carter sure looked like a H.I.T.S guy Monday night in Tampa.
- Buffalo Bills (2-1): The Bills finally looked like the Bills in Week 3, delivering a much-needed whooping to the Commanders.
- Detroit Lions (2-1): I think the Lions might be onto something with Brian Branch and Sam LaPorta. Two home-run picks through three weeks.
- Dallas Cowboys (2-1): A bad week that started with the loss of star corner Trevon Diggs got worse Sunday when the Cowboys laid an egg against the Cardinals. Classic.
- Baltimore Ravens (2-1): It was a weird loss to the Colts, but the Ravens will be fine in the long term. Roquan Smith now has more sacks (1.5) than the entire Bears team this season.
- Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1): After opening the season against two of the NFL’s best defenses, the Steelers got a reprieve Sunday against the Raiders.
- Cleveland Browns (2-1): Deshaun Watson has a $64 million cap hit starting next season, and he’s playing like a Carson Wentz clone. At least the Browns’ defense is dominant.
- Green Bay Packers (2-1): They found another one, didn’t they?
- New Orleans Saints (2-1): The Saints have one of the best defenses in the NFL, but that might not be enough if Derek Carr is forced to miss a significant amount of time with a right shoulder injury.
- Seattle Seahawks (2-1): Despite being down both starting OTs, the Seahawks have found ways to cobble together back-to-back wins against the Lions and hapless Panthers. Good teams beat the bad teams.
- Tampa Bay Bucs (2-1): The Bucs became the second team in a row to beat the Bears and lose the following week. I guess the Chiefs should be on upset alert against Zac ... oh, nevermind.
- Los Angeles Chargers (1-2): Someone get Brandon Staley away from Justin Herbert. Now.
- Cincinnati Bengals (1-2): Joe Burrow doesn't look right, but he was good enough to pull the Bengals off the mat Monday night. He needs to get healthy stat or else the Bengals' season will disintegrate quickly.
- New England Patriots (1-2): Bill Belichick against a bad quarterback? Never a doubt the Patriots would get in the win column in Week 3.
- Atlanta Falcons (2-1): Desmond Ridder, ain’t it.
- Los Angeles Rams (1-2): OK, the Rams might be who we thought they were.
- Tennessee Titans (1-2): Over/under four more starts for Ryan Tannehill? Can’t be over. W.A.S.H.E.D.
- Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2): Is Urban coaching the Jags again?
- Washington Commanders (2-1): Wins over the Broncos and Cardinals don’t do it for me. Commanders got a reality check from the Bills on Sunday.
- Indianapolis Colts (2-1): Man, what the Jets would do to pry Gardner Minshew away from the Colts
- Las Vegas Raiders (1-2): Jimmy G and the Raiders are who we thought they were.
- New York Jets (1-2): Jets might want to call Matt Ryan back and see if he’s still interested in helping them out. Having Zach Wilson be the starter for the next 14 games is completely untenable.
- Houston Texans (1-2): It’s a small three-game sample size, but C.J. Stroud has been the best rookie quarterback so far. Texans might have found their franchise signal-caller.
- New York Giants (1-2): Daniel Jones hasn’t thrown three touchdowns in a game since 2019. Man, $40 million a year doesn’t buy what it once did.
- Minnesota Vikings (0-3): How does Carl Williams feel about his son playing in Minnesota? Just asking for a friend.
- Arizona Cardinals (1-2): The Cardinals have been competitive in each of their first three games. The Bears haven’t. One of these teams is tanking.
- Carolina Panthers (0-3): The Bears are going to end up with the No. 1 and No. 2 pick, aren’t they?
- Denver Broncos (0-3): Is it Jarrett Stidham time yet?
- Chicago Bears (0-3): Hey, at least this week is over. That’s something positive for the Bears to hang their hat on.