10 outrageous things I heard at the Super Bowl's Opening Night. None of it was about football


Jan 27, 2020; Miami, FL, USA; San Francisco 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo is interviewed during Super Bowl LIV Opening Night at Marlins Park. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

MIAMI — It’s difficult to describe the Super Bowl’s Opening Night in any one specific way. It’s sort of like a Waffle House: the experience is what you make of it, though there’s certainly something for everyone. There’s definitely a beauty that exists somewhere in the chaos that’s worth appreciating – just don’t stare too long. 

Opening ceremonies were hosted in Marlins Park, and it must have thrilled the team’s ownership to finally get a glimpse of what it looks like to have people in their seats. Michael Irvin yelled questions at Pat Mahomes and Jimmy Garoppolo, cheerleaders led organized chants from the fan sections near the left field foul pole, and the University of Miami’s drumline provided the tempo as throngs of media members marched from one pedestal to another. 

The event lasted three hours, and probably a third of that was spent standing around waiting to walk around. With a lot of time to kill and far less accessibility to players who can move the needle, media members quickly settled on doing what we do best: talking about ourselves. The funniest bits – both purposefully and also extremely not – I heard didn’t come from the dozen or so podiums featuring the NFL’s biggest stars. Besides, there are already plenty of great articles out there on what they said. Instead, here are some of the best, silliest, and most outrageous things I heard from members of the media during the Super Bowl’s preeminent networking event. 

“Just try some CBD and let me know what you think.” - said a media member to a player. Somewhere a league official is sweating and collecting all the sample cups they can grab in one trip. 

“I’m definitely available for your podcast if you need me.” 

“I’m sorry, but Dave Gettleman is an amateur.” - This was said by a *prominent* media member, and also every single Giants fan on the planet. 

“I’m Mr. 305.” - a lie told by someone who was definitively NOT Pitbull. 

“I could be on your podcast if you wanted?”

“Are you a real sailor?” (they were not)

“We are SO F***ed.” - one old man said to another old man when it became clear that a certain level of hustle was required to get to the big names. 

“I only look 35.” 

“I’d definitely be down to do your podcast if you needed someone.”

“This actually wasn’t even the fedora I wanted to wear tonight.” - a man distraught

THIS is what you were missing when you spent your night doing, you know, literally anything else. Here’s to hoping he can find a time to wear the right fedora. 

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